If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?