Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Men are as faithful as their options.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.