I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.