If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.