I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.