When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.