There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.