Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.