I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.