The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.