There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.