Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.