It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.