The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.