If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?