I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I'm single because I was born that way.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.