I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.