The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I'm single because I was born that way.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.