Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.