I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.