When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.