He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.