A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.