There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.