If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.