If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.