Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.