Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…