No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.