There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.