Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.