If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
I'm single because I was born that way.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.