If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!