If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.