I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.