When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I drink to make other people more interesting.