The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
No good deed goes unpunished.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.