I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.