A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.