I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.