Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.