Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Women are made to be loved not understood.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.