He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.