When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?