The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.