If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I'm single because I was born that way.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.