If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps