Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!