When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.