I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.