I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.