I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.