A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.