An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!