A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.