I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.