Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.