If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.