Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
I'm single because I was born that way.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!