I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.