It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.