As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.