Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.