When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.