He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.