I'm single because I was born that way.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.