If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.