Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.