My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.