[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.