May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.