He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I'm single because I was born that way.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.