Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.